What happened in 300-400 pages of Twilight?

Jacob and Edward get into an argument over who can butt rape Bella first. Edward wins by french kissing Jacob on the penis and then he admits he's gay and goes off to live with his cousin, Mike Hawk. Bella is then so depressed that she tries to commit suicide by jumping out a basement window. This fails however, so Bella instead tries to get ran over by a clown car. Right when the clown car is about to hit her, Jacobs queer butt shows up and pulls her out the way.