The time it takes to heal and move on from an abusive relations depends on the person and other factors. Here are some personal experiences and advice:
- I was in an abusive relationship/marriage for over 10 years. I think it depends on the person, the type(s) of abuse, and the length of the relationship.It takes time to unlearn our learned responses, to realize that not all men are abusive, and it takes time to get our sense of self-worth and self-esteem back. Although I'm in a healthy relationship now, I'm still dealing with the repercussions of the abusive one.It helps to have people to talk to. A therapist, a best friend, or just people who understand how you feel. I don't think there is a set length of time. But at some point we have to try to move on and live life again, the best we can.
- Go easy on yourself. The healing process can and does last years. An abusive relationship is traumatizing.
- I was in an abusive relationship. I loved the woman but her rages were frequent, and both cruel and ugly. I determined she had BPD (not bipolar, borderline personality disorder). I considered her rages to be a mental disorder and despite separating from her I would go back to spending time with her, and be hurt more. Almost 3 years passed and I was still grieving the loss and licking my wounds. I'd already read a spate of books like Peter McWilliams "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" and other books on how to deal with an abusive companion--how to set boundaries, etc. So I found a therapist and worked mightily for 3 months and I finally recovered. I really guided my own therapy. The key to success for me was unexpected: self esteem work. The path I took is very similar to that what Phil McGraw directs readers to take in his popular book "Self Matters." The pain one suffers may be proportional to the love one had. If you're still having severe bouts of emotional anguish after three years, still hurting deeply from a sense of betrayal, and still in pain from certain cruel actions, then maybe there are some issues within yourself that merit attention. A strange thing happened to me from all the research I did. As I came to understand her better, as well as myself, and as I resolved some self esteem issues, I found that I loved her even more, while at the same time I was no longer hurt by her. And could protect myself. Now my three sons as well as my friends are puzzled that I can love both my ex-wife and psycho-bit**, the drama queen supreme, as much as I do. I was able to care for drama queen in the last six months of her life when no one else would. Learn to develop a greater internal locus of control. You can stop shedding so many tears over a past abusive relationship, but you must take responsibility for affecting the change yourself. You might start with Phil McGraw's book. But commit to working it 110%. Good luck! (I'm giving you a virtual hug here.) --Jim
- After being in a very abusive relationship for 6 years, I have decided it will take me 6 years to completely heal without entering into a new relationship with a lot of emotional baggage. Sure, if the right guy came along then I wouldn't run away, but I figure I have given up 6 years of my life to my ex-husband so now it is time to focus exclusively on me and my children, SO, in the past 3 years, I have graduated from college, played with the kids and made new friends, all without fear and unhappiness. I think that is where many woman make mistakes(I used to be one)that women are so afraid to be alone that they enter into an abusive relationship before they are even ready to date. It's up to us, the survivors, to educate and end the cycle of abuse for ourselves, our children and victims everywhere! I HAVE FINALLY FOUND ME!
- I suppose it depends on the person, but experts say it can take at least 7 years. I would have to agree. After my first abusive relationship, i couldn't bear to be alone, so quickly got into another one, then another one and so on. We have to give ourselves a long time to heal. We cant always see the wood for the trees when we have been abused. Good luck!
- I'm 21 years old and i have been out of the relationship for about a year now. i thought that when i finally got out that it meant that i was strong enough and that i was going to be okay. i was wrong. i am still dealing with the affects of what happened and i cant maintain a relationship today. Every time Ii meet a new guy i scare him away due to me needing to be validated and yearning for his attention constantly. i didn't realize that until recently that i have issues with in myself that i need to take care of. I didn't realize how far my ex had broken me down. I'm going to be put on some anti-depressants and anxiety medication. when i went to my therapist he asked me that if my ex said that he was "all better" and "got help" would i take him back? I looked at him with tear filled eyes and said yes. It was at that moment i realized that i needed more help then i thought.i am scared at what im going to have to face but in the end what am i going to lose? i can only get stronger from this. Hopefully i will learn and be able to have a real relationship one day.
- Moving on is a process that we must work at everyday for the rest of our lives. Change comes with time and awareness. I've personally been in weekly therapy for the past 2 years. Coming our of shock and denial is enough to through anyone off there feet for a period of overwhelming face to face with a real night mare.It takes courage and support and a lot of work to understand what we need to be aware of before we can change our survival habits.I am recovering from a 24 year Narcissism partner abuse.I raised 2 children who are now healthy adults. I saved my kids and I saved myself. Had not left I would not be answering this question today.We can't predict the future nor have a date for moving on. We can only live life one day at a time and learn to trust ourselves and set our boundaries.If we can only try to live our lives to the best of our satisfaction and risk the chance of being loved for who we are. Time, awareness and patience with ourselves while we make little steps to rediscovering who we are. Finding a good therapist who is willing to accompany us through the stages of healing over and over as we finally reach a point of integration and continue to help us for as long as we need it.Remember if we take medication it only does 20% of the work. The other 80% is what we work at everyday with the help of our therapist. We can't change the past but we can change ourselves to the best of who we are no more no less. I hope this answer will be helpful to anyone still suffering the aftermath of abuse and I wish everyone the courage to FEEL.Connecting with nature is a great way of connecting with ourselves and something greater than who we are. God Bless Jocelyne
- It is has been nearly three years for me. No justice Just further lies & abuse. I decided yesterday that i will seek professional counseling to help me overcome my deep feelings of justifiable rage and anger. I have too much to lose in my life and future and realize if I don't get help to get myself back not so much to forgive these people but to recover myself I may lose all of my dreams.
- 14 years have passed and I am up tonight because I am haunted by that man. It is only from the will of God that I am alive today and my children are OK. I have three big dogs, moved to a new state and I am going to put up video cameras as soon as I get the money. As for me healing I know I can�t do it myself and do not have the money to seek help. So the hell I will relive for the rest of my days.
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