What does it mean when your boyfriend uses your attitude as a reason to not to want to speak to you?

Human interactions are always two sided. Another person may reflect and report on behaviors or attitudes they see, or what they believe they see. We all have emotional "filters" through which we see, hear, and read another person. If we're insightful and listen to our instincts, we often can assess another person correctly. But, much of the time, our own "filters" get in the way; we judge others incorrectly, or only partly correctly.

Take this example. Your regular teacher is sick today. A subsitute teacher enters the room and quietly, with a warm smile, says, "Everyone take your seats." The teacher is in her 50s, nicely but conservatively dressed, carrying a big bag of books. When she puts the bag on her desk, it makes a thud sound. You find yourself thinking, "What a mean old woman!" Now, she hasn't said or done anything "mean", but you are reading her through your own "filters".

When we receive feedback from others, we need to decide what is or isn't true. If your "attitude" has changed, think about how and why it changed. Perhaps you've felt irritated about something else, but haven't spoken about what irritates you. Your boyfriend might think your irritation is toward him-- but it's actually because your best friend betrayed you. So, we need to communicate better with people who are close to us. Or, perhaps you are upset with the boyfriend because you want to spend more time with him. But your Words and actions push him away instead.

Philosphers say we must "know thyself". Figure out what you think and feel, and if your boyfriend has a different impression, you know what is not about you.

But on the other side, if we see others through filters, we must figure out why. When you say, "Spend time with me", does your boyfriend hear you as if his mother who demands he spends all his time with her... When the substitute teacher made the thud noise, did it remind you of when your older brother used to startle you by throwing a heavy book on the floor behind you--then smiling when you cried from being scared... Only with knowing how we filter other people can we know what comes from them---or from our own past experiences.

It means that you have some problems in your relationship that need to be analyzed and addressed. He could have said that for the following reasons:

• You may have stopped working at your relationship and have been taking him for granted.
• You have been revealing negative aspects of your personality and need to change the way you act toward him and others.
• You have done something that embarrassed him or someone else and he can't ignore it.
• He could be trying to control you.
• He could be bored and wants out of the relationship.

No one can tell you what your boyfriend means when he says he doesn't like your attitude. We don't know you. In any case you better pay attention, deal with the issue, ask him to explain what's bothering him, take it seriously and then do something about it. You may need to ask that difficult question: Am I better off with or without him?