How do you know if you are a real vampire?

I just realized this is a perfect lead in for my new act:

• You fall suddenly out of a novel written by Bram Stoker, Anne Rice, or perhaps Stephanie Meyer.
• You end all sentences with, "Blah, blah, blah."
• You ask for your spaghetti without garlic.
• You avoid garlic dipping sauce when you order bread sticks.
• Churches and cemeteries make you nervous or jumpy.
• When you climb into bed, you really climb in and shut the lid.
• Your wardrobe is limited to blacks and whites, and you persist in sporting that out of fashion cape.
• You find it difficult to brush your hair or teeth...no reflection.
• You do not tan.
• When you encounter priests and nuns on the street, you feel compelled to cross to the other side.
• When you get heartburn, it is usually accompanied by splinters.
• You wake at night to a large group of neighbors in your front yard with pitchforks and torches.
• You have a compulsive desire to count things. Ah Ah Ah Ah!
• Running water makes you nervous
• You only visit if invited, and often outstay your welcome.
• A picnic for you usually happens at night and typically includes only one other person.