How do you catch carp in Ireland?

Aye laddie many a fine lass has taken me heart and left me wit de bitter taste o' unsalted fish. I married a lass once who took to carping all day and all night about me penchant fer fishin'. I used ta say; "Let me be lassie an' fix me up some o' that Swanson's fish n Chips why don' ya?" And she would say; "Fix it yerself ye silly man. I'm havin' noan of it." As ye might imagine I went fairly hoonngry in those days of wine and roses. Ah, but dat's anoother story.

If ye find the good fortune ta make yer way to the Lough Ennel, ye might get lucky and catch yerself some linear, mirror or leather carp, but fer me it is the plain ol' common carp that gives me such a trouble. An' I don' mean me ex wife either. It is these common carp wit they common nature of bein' so stoobern an' ornery, dat makes it sooch a joy ta wade through the water an' fish all day. 'Course, I don' get mooch fishin doan lately since me ex took me rod and reel an' banged me over de head wit it. Now I've taken ta usin' dynamite, boot it doasn't bode well wit me neighbors.

I once had a friend who was always plantin' dynamte on his back. I used ta ask him what his proablem was an' he'd tell me I'm sick and #%$&* tired o' people always pattin' me on the back. Next time someone pats me on the back I'll blow his @*%$^!$&!! arm off! That's an angry man, ye know? He'd do better ta head out to the lough and wrestle with the carp...boot dat's anoother story...

Now, if yer wife o' ex-wife has goan an' taken yer rod an' reel an beat ya over the head wit it, dynamite will work jus' fine, but kid's don' try dis at home nor wit' out parental guidance lest ye blow yer @$^*$##@ arm off. 'Tis better me thinks ta fashion a harpoon or spear, radder den try da dynamite 'coz o' the stability o' dynamite ain't as reliable as harpoons o' spears. A little more work I'd imagine boot mooch safer, ya know? Ta tell da trut' I wouldn't know, as me friend who's passed, (Blown ta smiddereens, ya know?), left me wit a shack full o' dynamite an' box o' Tayto's. I snack on de Tayto's while toassin' da sticks o' dynamite in da lough. 'Course, 'tis always good ta save some Tayto's fer after fryin' up da fish. Nootin' like a plate fool o' carp and Tayto's wit' a pint o' Bass.

So, if ye ever make it oop dis way, be sure ta look me oop and bring some Tayto's will ye? Me box is runnin' low an' me ex is gettin' too mooch in alimony fer me ta offer me own supply. Got plenty o' ale tho' so bring yer rod an' reel an' if we find no luck dat day, I'll pull out the dynamite so's to make sure we eat dat night. Oontil dat day, I'll say a prayer to da Mudder Mary fer ye an' oiche mhaich mo chara!