How can you be sure you have not been permanently damaged by a relationship with a narcissist?

You are not safe with a narcissist, so you need to make sure it is over. The longer you stay, the more likely your children will show the same behavior in their relationships. Going from verbal to physical abuse can be a close thing. You need a team to support you as you make the move; the most dangerous period is while you are planning to do this. Mind you, you may have to move to another city or state to escape.

Healing the relationship is difficult to impossible until the person gets real and has practice behaving. You cannot fix the person. For one thing, an abused person just does not have the expertise and emotional boundaries to make a difference. Also, It is very common for them to revert to bad habits upon returning to the person they abused in the past--even if a few years have passed and their behavior has been consistent.

A good book to understand the issue is The Verbally Abusive Relationship. It does have some hints to help; but you do need to be very honest about the depth of your issue. You also have to realize that you are not to blame in any way.

Based on the guide "Back from the Looking Glass" Living with the personality disorder that causes abuse.

I think that the advice to leave and have no contact is dangerous. This is a very good way to provoke someone to violence. If they have a home and children with you they will feel that they have nothing left to lose and as narcissistic people do tend to blow things out of proportion and have tantrums this can be very dangerous. I knew a woman who was murdered by her husband in front of her small children after leaving him and refusing contact.

If you want to heal your relationship our guide will help you to do that and we know many people who have had success with this. If you want to leave and never see the person who you believe is narcissistic and keep yourself safe and get closure well then I suggest that you do this;

Be very clingy and needy and agree with everything they say while being very boring and make sure that you give them no time to them self or space, keep apologising a lot for everything, and act very fake. After about a week or two of this they will decide to leave. Let them think it is their idea, act sad about it but don't fight them. After that (and you can do this while you are getting them to decide to leave too) complain a lot whenever you talk to them, tell them that you are sick and that the kids need braces and that the house has termites. They will quickly lose interest in you and then you are free. This way you will know that it is over, especially when you see them with someone else.

Based on the book "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited":

"If the narcissist has the power to provoke emotions in you � you are still a Source of Supply to him ... If you are an old Source of Narcissistic Supply, first, get over the excitement of seeing him again. ... Then, simply ignore him. Don't bother to respond in any way to his offer to get together. If he talks to you � keep quiet, don't answer. If he calls you � listen politely and then say goodbye and hang up. Indifference is what the narcissist cannot stand. It indicates a lack of attention and interest that constitutes the kernel of negative NS."

Here is more input:

• No one is just a narcissist -- that N guy in your life is or was a person you cared about -- I think its best to admit that however difficult that might be -- you really loved someone, for a reason, you saw them as loveable and they were loveable, but they were human, imperfect and hurt you...maybe you invited the hurt in some way or let them hurt you, played the victim...sometimes we unconsciously arrange things so that we fail in our intimate relationships--because a relationship is work, thinking about someone else not ourselves--we want the good things the easy things about a relationship but when it becomes a challenge--of course, for some of us, maybe we cant live in anothers shadow, maybe we have to be ourselves, maybe we need a kind of solitariness--the problem with a romance sometimes I think is that we are swallowed up in it--I was swallowed up by someone for years, was ecstatic with him for years, but we were/are constantly in and out of it because you really cant live like that--I think that I was in love with love, still am, i think a lot of people look for romantic love--for the high--but then you have to work out the details and the devil is in the details.

• Tell them to "Grow Up" rather sternly! Then,walk out and don't look back.

• When you remove them completely from your life. No calls, no emails, absolutely no contact.

• Narcissists appear tough to the victim, but threaten them with someone else who might harm that physical beauty or ego and they just might move on to another conquest.

• You have the power to lock them out of your life. Do it.

• Ignore him completely. He will not bring any good into your life. All these types want is to destroy you. They are very calculating and will settle for nothing other than to see you with no integrity and self esteem. Do you want him back? If you are considering getting back with him just remember he will lead you down the same dead end roads. That's all they do.

• Narcissists do not have relationships or experience other people the same way that non-narcissists do. While it may be difficult for some to overcome the need to make excuses for the N. ("he's only human, just like you...") or to idealize the interaction ("you loved him, he loved you..."), the fact remains that the N. did not experience you or anyone else as a human being. To an N., other people exist only as objects that either can provide narcissistic supply or not; if not, they move on.