What does the following mean 'I had as lief not be as live to be in awe of such a thing of myself'?

The phrase "I had as lief not be as live to be in awe of such a thing of myself" expresses a strong sentiment of self-discontent or disdain. The speaker suggests that they would prefer not to exist at all rather than live in a state of admiration or fear of something within themselves that they find troubling or undesirable. Essentially, it conveys a deep internal struggle and a rejection of a part of their identity or circumstance.