Here are some steps that abused people often experience:
- Denial--he/she hits me but can't control their feelings, they don't mean to get so rough. If it is only emotional abuse, the abused sees the abuser as saying things in the heat of the moment, and possibly not viewing it as abuse because there are no physical blows involved. The abuser can be kind and loving at times--they are not abusive 24/7. Other people, friends and family think he/she is charming. Am I crazy, or is this really abuse?
- Acceptance--go along with everything the abuser says. Stay out of the abuser's way when they are in a bad mood. Keep the children out of their way. Never discuss finances, problems with the kids. Give noncommittal answers in an attempt not to be baited into an argument. Don't offer opinions. Try to learn from "mistakes" which resulted in the abuser being physically/emotionally violent towards the person.
- Hurt--why does the abuser do this to me? What haven't I done to appease his/her anger? Am I the only person he/she has done this to? Do I bring out something bad in them?
- Guilt--the abused fell in love with this person, married them or had children with them. They often feel obligated to make things work, to help the abuser with their anger and control issues. They may feel they are a failure or are bailing out.
- Fear--how can I leave? Where do I live, how can I afford a place to rent? How can I keep him/her from taking our children? How can I keep him from finding me and trying to hurt me? This is what I need to do to stop this, but there is fear of the future and the unknown.
Here are some other opinions from our community:
- There are no "stages" to go through when deciding to leave an abusive relationship, whether it is physical, verbal, mental...etc. When you love and respect yourself, you won't tolerate any demeaning treatment, even on the first encounter.
- I think people do go through various stages in emotionally preparing themselves to leave abusive relationships. I think the above poster did not read the question correctly. Usually the first stage is the abuse. The victim may go into denial for a long time such as having hope he will change. Then the next stage the victim becomes more aware. She may pick up a book on abuse and relate it to her situation. Then the victim may become angry and disgusted with the abuser. She may begin to distance herself so she can look at her situation more objectively. Then the final stage she has had enough and makes plans to leave. Pay no mind to the previous poster. Sometimes ignorance can appear as rudeness.
- A victim of abuse must have good plans in place. Slowly start packing just a few things (the abuser shouldn't be able to notice anything missing) and then go to a pay phone (don't phone from your home) and call the "Abused Women's Center." If you can't find the number call "Mental Health" or the operator and they will help you. When you feel the time is right (when the abuser is at work, the bar, etc.) then leave! Don't tell ANYONE where you are going! This is for your own safety. If you have children take them with you as the counselor at the Abused Women's Center will have someone look after them in another room while they question you. Once you leave your abuser expect not to go back! When you meet with your counselor at the Abused Women's Center (great gals and very understanding) they will ask you questions so they can understand your particular situation. You will then be sent to a "Transition House" or a "safe house" and it's important you let NO ONE know where you are. Your children will go with you. At the Transition House you will stay there and take some programs, get counseling, perhaps legal counsel, and, you will be expected to earn your way there by doing some chores. When you are ready they will help you get established in your own place and even help you find work. Don't be afraid! You are stronger than you think! It sounds like you've had enough and good for you! The sooner you get away from this jerk the better.
