How do you take care of a baby turtle?

It's very simple. What you have to do is this:

1. Boil a pan of saltwater.
2. Pick up your turtle.
3. Place the turtle in the boiling pan.
4. Leave the room for half an hour.
5. Come back.
6. Pick up the pan.
7. Put your turtle on a plate.
8. Pour the water from the pan into a glass.
9. Get a fork and a very sharp knife.
10. Use the knife to pry the shell away from your turtle.
11. Eat the turtle with your fork.
12. Drink the contents of the glass.
13. Pick up the knife again and plunge it into your own heart.
14. Lie on the floor and bleed to death.